Forgiveness of myself never came easy for me, from punishing myself for getting a B in school to punishing myself for not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I was always hard on myself. So when I read that I had to learn to forgive myself when I made mistakes, I knew I had to think in a very different way than I had been accustom to thinking about myself.

A tactic I used a lot was to think of myself as someone else. If I was a friend of mine and that friend was going through the same thing, how would I respond to her? Wouldn't I be gentle and forgiving with her and commend her on what she was doing and not harp on her "mistakes?" Wouldn't I love her just the same as if she wasn't going through it? Wouldn't I support her and be gentle and loving?

As I learned to forgive myself and punish myself less, the purge was the first part of my cycle to disappear. In fact I was surprised at how fast the throwing up stopped once I started really trying. What I wasn't prepared for was the weight gain. Since I beat the purge first, and the binge stayed…I gained 25 pounds in the first 10 months following my triumph over the purge, and another 10 pounds in the following months.

Surprisingly, the weight gain did not become a trigger for me to return to my old ways of purging. I had developed enough coping skills that I no longer needed to purge, however the emotional eating was still a coping mechanism I was dependent upon.

I wasn't weighing myself during this time because the scales were a major trigger for me, but as my clothes got snugger I knew I was gaining weight. Funny thing was, at that time I made a decision about the weight gain, I decided it was okay. I knew that I would rather gain weight and heal and learn to be healthy than be thin and be bulimic. I didn't know I was going to gain 35 pounds but then again if I hadn't gained, I would have never healed.

I began to buy clothes that had elastic waists, pretty skirts without zippers, that way I didn't have to really worry about shopping and I knew that eventually, after I worked through my mouth hunger that the weight would come back off.

I was very forgiving with myself and my weight gain. I knew that for me, the weight gain was a sign that I was past the first step of the healing process, it meant I was no longing throwing up and I was so proud of myself for it.

At the same time I was terrified that I was going to keep gaining weight until I was 450 pounds, bedridden and completely out of control. Luckily that was not the case. As I continued to work through the healing process, the coping skills to deal with stress without binging came before I got to that point

From what I've read, some weight gain is normal for most women who go through the healing process. It takes your body a good four months to adjust to not purging anymore before your metabolism catches on. And again another several months after the binging stops. After all, I was abusing my body for 17 years, it takes more that a few weeks for it to recover.

Looking back on my healing process, If I had known some of the things I learned later about mouth hunger and nutrition, I may not have gained as much weight as I did, but for me, the breakthroughs related to my eating came much later in my healing process, after the weight gain (see the Nutrition Section).

During this process I finally learned to start loving myself, regardless of my weight or eating habits. I have learned, with the help of those who love me for who I am, that my worth does not rest with a number on a scale.

I have more to offer the world than a small waist and thin thighs. Love does not begin or end with a dress size. My beauty shines from inside and I am worth everything I can dream. I deserve love, affection and success….and so do you.

I will never be remembered for my weight, heavy or light, but for my heart and for my words…