Punishment is a major part of the bulimic cycle; it's a part that we all put ourselves through. We disguise the punishment as an extra few hours of exercise or as a way to eliminate the food from our stomachs so it doesn't hurt so much. We say it's not punishment at all…but it is. None of us enjoy taking laxatives, throwing up or exercising for hours on end. We may enjoy what we consider to be the benefits, but not the act itself.

We justify the punishment because we have done something "bad", or lost control or in some ways acted outside of the limiting box we have put ourselves into. I would be hard on myself, resulting in a purge, because I had let myself down by binging after I had vowed to stop, a vow that I was obviously ill equipped at the time to keep for many reasons.

My cycle looked like this:

1. Binge/purge
   This was the only way I had to cope with stressors at the time or I had set my eating up to cause a blood sugar crash or a carbohydrate craving.
2. Vow to never let it happen again.
   By doing this I was setting up an unrealistic goal that allowed no room for growth. I was setting myself up for failure and creating a self-fulfilling cycle that I did not understand. I could not forgive imperfect behavior.
3. Stressor/Craving
   I would feel weak and hopeless and as if I couldn't cope with the situation in any other way. At the time I lacked the coping skills so I would again use my coping mechanism of binging and purging. Or I would have a craving brought on by my nutritional habits that I did not understand at the time.
4. Binge
   I would eat to avoid feeling the emotions related to the stressor at hand. I would use food to escape reality, therefore never facing the issue and allowing the issue to resurface over and over. Or I would gorge on carbohydrates to satisfy my low levels of serotonin and beta-endorphins.
5. Purge
   I would purge for many reasons. Foremost I would freak out about how many calories I had just consumed and need the immediate gratification of emptying my stomach. I also felt as if I needed the exhaustion-high and numbness that came after the frenzied binge. Also, in a way it was a punishment to myself and to my body for what I had done. I didn't enjoy throwing up, in fact I hated it. It made my throat sore, it was disgusting, I felt gross and all in all it wasn't an enjoyable event, but I needed to do it.
6. Punishment
   After binging and purging again, after I had vowed not to, I would then berate and belittle myself emotionally for being so weak. This process would only make me feel worse and create anxiety and weaken my ability to cope with the next stressor that came along. It's like a child that is abused year after year, after a while they begin to believe that they cannot do anything right and therefore stop even trying. I was the one abusing myself. I thought that I was doomed to the life I was creating for myself.
7. Stressor
   …and the cycle would start all over again.

The reality is that the punishment is a key part of what kept me locked in the binge/purge cycle in the first place. I was the only one punishing myself and making myself feel weak, worthless and unlovable.

Luckily, it is possible to break this cycle…with practice. It takes a lot of practice and you HAVE to remember to try and love yourself. If you are reading this, then you love yourself enough to try to heal, and if you love yourself enough to heal than you love yourself enough to practice and if you love yourself enough to practice then you love yourself enough to learn to be gentle and forgive yourself, and if you love yourself enough to learn to be gentle then will be able to get through this healing process.