I wanted help but I wasn't willing to work the meetings into my schedule on any real regular basis. I discovered I'm not really a 12-step kind of person so I opted to get a multitude of self-help books on the subject and educate myself. I found two friends who were willing to help me fight my battle. They were there for me when I called and listened when I cried. The rest was up to me.

Regardless of how much help a book was, I read them all from cover to cover and gleaned out what I considered to be the most beneficial information or the information that helped me the most.

I have created a list of mental exercises both from books and from my own experience. Some things on this list are behavior modifications. I have said several times that behavior modification can go only so far and that recovery cannot depend on it alone, but what I haven't said is that it is an instrumental and crucial part of the recovery process.

More importantly than the behavior modification itself is practicing the modification. Behavior modification helps to break the repetitive pattern of the binge/purge/obsessive cycle, kind of like shoving a stick between the spokes of a moving bicycle; it interrupts the momentum and often got my mind off of the binge or purge. The more you practice the easier it becomes.

A friend said to me once, "You must practice it until it becomes hard-wired." It's true. When anyone learns anything from the basics of walking to an algebraic equation, they practice, after a while it becomes second nature.

The reason I say that behavior modification can only go so far is because in and of itself the act of modifying the behavior does not solve the issue that causes the action. If I practice taking a bath 100 times instead of binging and purging, it gives me something to do to relax, but it doesn't solve the problem as to why I ate in the first place; that feeling I must experience and deal with.

The other types of mental exercises on the list are the ones that get to the deeper root of the eating disorder. The eating disorder in and of itself is not the problem it is simply the band-aid I unknowingly chose to cover the wound instead of dealing with the core issues.

Many of the exercises make you start to think about what is really going on in your mind and with your emotions. As a bulimic the last thing I wanted to do was think about what was going on in my mind, in fact I was terrified of what was going on in my mind, the last place I wanted to be was in my mind and the last thing I wanted to do was feel my emotions. I spent many years learning how to NOT feel my emotions. Actually feeling them was the scariest thing I could imagine.

The exercises are developed to ease you into this step because it's a painful one. Some of these exercises I couldn't actually do for a year after I started healing. I simply picked and chose which ones I wanted to do and which ones I was capable of doing at the time. I did what I could, day after day.

The more I practiced the exercises and worked through the issues, the stronger my coping skills became and the less I needed coping mechanisms. As humans we are creatures of habit, how many times have we heard that? But it's true. Some habits have to be willingly established to replace existing ones, we have to do it until it becomes second nature.

The most important thing to doing these exercises, besides practicing and doing them often, is being 100% honest when you are doing them. Write down everything you think of, all the thoughts you have, even the ones you don't want to have, especially the ones you don't want to have.

Emotional Exercises

1. How does a binge make me feel?
2. How does a purge make me feel?
3. What do I get out of a binge?
4. What do I get out of a purge?
5. How do I feel after I've successfully headed off a binge or purge?
6. List as many reasons as I can think of why I don't want to binge anymore
7. List as many reasons as I can think of why I don't want to purge anymore
8. What are the real emotional issues I'm avoiding?
9. What are my triggers - one word or sentence.
10. List scenarios and situations that trigger me - visualize dealing with them in a healthy way.
11. What would I say to those who make you feel like you need to binge/purge. (This is a good one to get feelings out in the open. Write the letter and then dispose of it somewhere. You can throw it away, burn it, keep it to read later, but any way you look at it, it's off your chest.)
12. List of unfinished projects and things to do - do them instead of binge or purge.
13. List of things you want to do "when you have time"
14. Make up a few positive mantras - recite them often.
15. How does it feel when you eat too much?
16. How do you feel when you eat out of mouth hunger?
17. What words do I associate with myself when I'm feeling like bingeing?
18. What words do I use when I'm happy?
19. What words would help me heal?
20. What negative views have you learned from other people in your life and society?
21. Learn some relaxation techniques.
22. Write a letter to yourself as if you were writing a letter to a friend with the same eating disorder. What would you say to her?
23. Have a conversation with your negative mind, what would you say to it? What would it say to you?
24. Make a list of things that you can think about and encouraging thoughts or phrases. Keep it with you.
25. Talk to your Body parts: stomach, thighs, arms. What do they have to say?
26. What would you do differently if you were thin? Can you do any of that now? You may be surprised.
27. Picture yourself cleaning up the sludge in the bottom of the well. Picking your heart out from the sludge and wiping it off. Cleaning off your strength, your personality, your love, your dedication, your passion, your drive, your dreams, your everything and wiping them clean. Pull the drain plug on the sludge and turn on the water and let it all drain out. Then imaging pressing a lever that reveals a spiral staircase and imagine walking up to the top of the well and climbing out. Don't look back.