process - a series of actions directed toward a particular aim; a series of natural occurrences that produce change or development.

I am not a process-oriented person, I am an ends person plain and simple. I am the kind of person who will watch the end of a DVD before I watch the movie just so I can know what happens before I get there. I'll read the last few pages of a book so I'm not surprised when I get to the end. I don't like to take too many real chances and only make what I consider "safe" choices. As in, I try to only put myself in situations where I can predict or control the outcome; which never works anyway, it just took me this long time to figure it out.

The healing process is just that; a process. There is no way around it, no way to short cut it, no way to avoid it, I know that now. It is a process and it is unique to everyone. Your process will be different than my process but one thing is the same: In order to heal, you must embrace the process. There are times when I still work on embracing the process, but it gets easier every day.

I am a firm believer of, "If you know what's coming it's easier to deal with." That's what I want to do here, prepare you for what's coming, or at least give you the insight to what my process was and by doing so hopefully give you something to associate with, to bond with or at the very least, something to commiserate with.

Being positive during this time is crucial, or at least trying to be positive. My email is always open. Please contact me if you need some reassurance that there is a way out of the well, a light at the end of the tunnel or just life on the other side of bulimia and emotional eating hell.

Two sayings that helped me immensely:

"The definition of a failure is simply someone who stops trying."
— My Paappa

"I have not failed 10,000 times. I have successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work."
— Thomas Edison by way of the movie The Door in the Floor

Patience and process weren't exactly part of my vocabulary unless you count the snort of laughter that always came after those words. My mom used to say I was the kind of child that would say my prayers like this:

"Dear Lord, please give me patience and give it to me right now."

It is hard for me to say this…but this process will take a while. For me, it took over a year before I could say that I was purge free, binge free was almost two years and I have to be honest, I still struggle with the emotional eating. My process is my own, your may be shorter…or longer.

Everyone's healing process is different and everyone's eating disorder is different. This website is about my story, my journey, my fears and what worked for me when I flunked Eating Disorder Therapy 101 and the doctors, the self-help books and the after school specials left me even more proficient in hiding my bulimia from the world and minimizing the negative effects than healing. It's the process that got me to the other side, out of the well and on my feet again, nothing more, nothing less.

Most of the information is here on the website, if you want more there is a book, "It's all about a Brownie." It's all in there, every journal, every pain, every raw screaming moment when I felt like I was going to die, and believe me, I had those days, I want you to be able to read it all, to have something to connect to so you don't feel so damned alone.

I'll be honest, this will probably hurt like hell, at least it did for me and everyone else I know that has gone through the recovery process. I'm not saying that to deter you, I'm just trying to be real. Personally I wish that any one of my therapists had said those words to me. That anyone along the way would have said, "You know, this is not only going to hurt because we will be digging into your soul, and you have no coping skills but the way, but it's gonna take a while too." It may not make it easier but at least it let's you prepared for what's coming up. That way when a big doosie of something does come up you can be like, "Okay, I knew this was going to be tough, I get it, I knew it was coming." Instead of, "Oh my god! Where did that come from? Where's the fridge?"

I can tell you that now, binge free, purge free, emotional eating coping, losing weight and getting stronger, it was one of the best experiences of my life. Not because it was all enjoyable but because it was freeing. I've never felt so free and empowered before.

It took a lot of dedication and practice, changing of mindsets and negative habits, but all in all I've never done anything more worthwhile.